Adventures In Babysitting

Curling iron - check. Hair dryer - check. Make-up bag, - check. Seven pairs of shoes - check. My wife backs out of the driveway and heads off into the distance for a two-night getaway with her girlfriends leaving me alone with our 6month old daughter for the first time. What horrors await me this weekend?

I didn't really have a problem being alone with our daughter, in fact I felt it was a good opportunity to really get to know her on a daddy/daughter level without the distraction of the mommy element. As I stood in the empty driveway I thought there are probably a lot of guys out there that would be filling their pants as their 6month old filled her pants, watching mommy drive away leaving you both to deal with whatever issues come your way. It's one helluva wake up call knowing that you're on your own for the first time, a new parent. Most dads are used to, and quite content, playing on the second team waiting for moms (the first team) to give the signal to come off the bench.

Now, we all think that we have unique kids, different from every other kid in the world. Realistically, kids are pretty much all the same... of course mine's not. She is different from every other kid in the world! She's my little angel, my bunny, my pudding pop, monkey girl, snuggle worm... etc, etc, etc. Since she was about 6 weeks old she slept through the night, and I'm talking from 10pm till 9am without a peep. Amazing ain't it?! She cries only when she's tired and even then it's only a whimper. She eats like a horse (gets that from her dad), smiles and laughs and sometimes lets out the highest pitched squeak which makes me melt with affection. I love that squeak! Over the past 6 months I've been at her side I've come to find that she's a lot easier to take care of at this stage than I ever thought she'd be.

I've seen a lot of crazy things in my life and I've been under unfathomable stress on many occasions but I've always been able to handle myself with a steady hand, cool head and even, dare I say it, grace! But before I had my own child I thought I'd never in a million lifetimes wanna be left alone with a 6month old. I was certain I'd never be able to deal with it.

When you have your first child something happens inside of you as though someone flipped a switch and you suddenly change into daddy mode. You no longer care about that Camaro you wanted, backpacking through Tibet, having the guys over for a BBQ or upgrading the surround sound system. The only thing in life that matters now is your child. It's mind boggling how quickly all the other stuff goes away. Everything else that was once important to you now takes a backseat to parenthood and it's a great feeling. It's funny how cluttered your mind becomes when you focus on material needs and how clearly you think once you become a parent. Don't get me wrong, it's damn hard work but it's one of the few things that truly makes you feel like you matter in the world. I could go on about this forever but that's not the point I'm trying to make here. The point is: don't worry about not knowing what to do beforehand when you see those impending moments you're going to be left alone to fend for yourself and your child. Even if you're normally a complete idiot when the time comes your mind will kick into survival mode and common sense will get you through it. Your child will tell you what they need and although it'll sound like an alien language you'll get it.

Talking care of a baby isn't that difficult, we, as dads, make it difficult by panicking. Just take the time to listen to what your baby has to say. Even if you haven't been paying attention to mommy when she's catering to baby's needs you learn through osmosis, you pick things up just by being there. Better yet take part in it. My wife and I actually race to our daughter's bedroom to change her diaper or to get her out of bed when she awakes. Seriously, we do!

So to all the new dads out there, or the soon-to-be dads, don't worry about it! Just dive in! Your kid is a lot smarter than you realize. And remember that time flies by so fast. Have fun with your baby and think of how awful it'd be to end up one of those dads who looks in the mirror 20 years from now and says, "I wish I spent more time with her when she was little."

Why I Don't Follow Celebrities

I haven't been on Twitter all that long but long enough to know what it's all about. I admit I'm a regular user. I tweet about my artwork, upcoming cartoon strips, changes to my website, my recent blog entries (like this one), etc. It's pretty benign. I certainly can't, and won't, hold a candle to those hardcore Twitter users (I called Twits) who post about everything from DVD's their mother's cousin's daughter's roommate just bought to the size of the poop they just took.

I've been tweeting since March of this year (2009) and although I notice a lot of l'il annoyances on Twitter the biggest one I have to bitch about is the celebrity follower/followee ratio. Let's take Ashton Kutcher for example, known on Twitter as @aplusk. The last time I checked he had 3,546,508 followers and that number goes up every time you refresh your browser. He is following 217. Yeah, that's right. He has over 16343 times the numbers of followers than he does followees. I love his work, I really do, he's talented as hell but get over yourself. I've read his updates and I gotta say, there's nothing interesting about them. I'd much rather rather read updates from @SherriMcKnight or @timrs2001. Neither of them have even 500 followers nor are they celebrities but their posts are interesting. They should be the ones with 3,000,000 followers not people like @aplusk.

Here's a few more:

@PerezHilton: 1,430,355 followers, following 353.
@KimKardashian: 2,269,910 followers, following 65
@RyanSeacrest: 2,247,579 followers, following 124
@johncmayer: 2,198,405 followers, folowing 65
@levarburton: 1,200,127 followers, following 91 (oh, not you too Geordi!!)

Man, even @Twitter is ridiculously high in followers (2,303,710) and only following 58!

I guess what I'm really wondering here is what the hell have they got to say that's so important that we have to follow them like lost sheep?

I've had some very good exposure to celebrities throughout my 12 years in the film and TV business. I've worked alongside of some of Hollywood's biggest and brightest celebrities and I gotta say that after only my first week on the job I noticed that they're not any different from you or me. They get up and go to work just like everyone else. They pay bills, get divorced, have their tonsils removed just like you and me. Some of them even have really bad B.O. but I'll take that info to the grave.

To me celebrities are simply nothing more than co-workers. Some of them I can call friends as we keep in touch from time to time but do they have anything more interesting to say than my Polish neighbor. I find him fascinating. I find Ryan Seacrest dull as a cucumber. Now don't get me wrong I admire most celebrities for their talents, or some for their lack of but they're ability to still get jobs, but I don't think any celebrity deserves my time and/or attention on Twitter unless they are willing to hear what I have to say and ergo follow me. As non-celebrities we're just as important, if not more so, than the Oprah Winfrey's of the world! Think of it this way; how many celebrities would be "celebrities" if we didn't watch their movies or TV shows? They'd be bagging our groceries and delivering our mail (no offense to grocery baggers of mail carriers).

I'll admit that there was a time when I'd read the latest celebrity rag, but no more. I've so rarely seen a celebrity give sound advice that was worth listening to. In fact the only advice I ever got from a celebrity was that was worth considering was in 1996. I was working on a film and was sitting in Samuel L. Jackson's trailer helping him unpack a bunch of shirts he bought for the crew (he's a class act). We were talking about love, relationships and a girl I really like who was working on the set. He said to me "there's so much more to love than a great set of tits." I nodded in agreement. That's probably the best advice a celebrity had ever given me.

So to all the celebrities Tweeting in our Twitterverse I say get it together! You can have money, talent and the greatest managers in the world but what is a celebrity with no respect for their fans? A bag boy at Target!

But How Will I Reach You

As I mentioned in my last blog entry I'm making a few changes when I turn 40 on October 1st. On top of cutting out television for an entire year I'm also substantially eliminating time spent on the Internet. That's right I'm dropping the Internet almost entirely for one month (excluding checking and replying to e-mail and posting new cartoon strips) and then seriously limiting the time I spend/waste surfing nothing! I'll only be online when I have something to meaningful to accomplish (posting cartoons, photos, Tweeting from time to time, etc). Gotta try to cut it down to a few hours a week.

Just so you don't freak out cuz you're think'n I'm abandoning you forever, I will be back and like I said, I'll still be checking my e-mail!! If you need me or you just plain can't live without me (and I know a few of you can't) you can get me at doug@smartzombie.com or dial 411 on your touch tone phone and ask for the number for "Dick Morningwood", that's my secret agent name.

I took my 5month old daughter to Toys-R-Us today to spend the $50 our neighbor gave her as a "welcome to the world" gift. Of course at 5 months old she isn't very opinionated so the onus was on me to pick something out that I thought she would enjoy.

Now a word of advice to the new daddies out there: don't take your child shopping when it's 3 minutes before to feeding time. She was starting to give me the why the hell did you take me here when you should be at home warming up my bottle look. Actually it's more of a dance but I digress! I'm feeling the pressure building as I saunter up and down the aisles scanning the shelves for something appropriate for the best little 5month old girl in the world. So many toys, so little time.

A good parent doesn't just choose any toy off the shelf. A good parent must go through a barrage of stages before he gets to the pick of the litter. Stage 1: Will I have to put this together? If so will I be able to? There are so many toys out there that require a degree in engineering in order to build the darn things. I'm a pretty smart guy... smart enough to stay away from those kind of toys. So we move on to, Stage 2: Would I find this fun if I were 5 months old? I really do like to step into the shoes of other people even if they are a size minus 8. I don't care how old you are now everyone can remember a toy they favored as a child. Mine was, of course, my Etch A Sketch. But as I rummage through the ample variety of toys in the store I'm thinking that I wouldn't play with this or I might play with that, all the while keeping in mind I have to think like a 5month old girl. Stage 3: Is my child going to learn something as a result of playing with this toy? Like most parents I wanna give my child the best head start I can so that means interacting with her as much as possible by reading her stories, playing with her toys while she does and not using the TV as an instant babysitter. There are just so many distractions for kids these days. I'd like to try to fill her head with some intelligence before she's shut off to the outside world with her nose glued to her Sony PSP. Step 4: Just because it's expensive doesn't mean it's the best. This is a key point here. I purchased the $60 toy with the long runners, rolling balls and happy-fun-time themed music coming from a big plastic bear who has a smile on his face like some kid who just crapped his pants after holding it in for a week.

I get my daughter's new toy home, feed her, then start the daunting task of putting together her new expensive toy. For what I paid it should have come fully assembled! I won't go into all the mind numbing details of how I put it together wrong four times before choosing to read the instructions but I will say that I did put it together eventually. So I'm looking at the freshly assembled toy then at my daughter (she's sitting on the floor in front between me and the toy). I roll a ball down the track and the bear spits out some happy tune. I think to myself, whatever this thing does I think it just did it. I'm wondering what life skills she'll develop from watching a tiny ball roll down a track over and over and over. It held her attention for about a minute and then her eye was caught buy her .99 cent bag of blocks. She reached for them. Right about then the buyer's remorse set in.

I learned a valuable lesson today. I won't ever again think that just cause it costs a lot doesn't mean they're gonna be into it. That'll only apply when she reaches her teens!

40's Not So Hard!

As I write this I'm soon to turn 40 years old (on Oct. 1st to be exact). I think a lot of people begin their forties with a sense of "woe-ism", you know, "woe is me" and all that silliness. To be quite honest I'm very much looking forward to it. Not only do you know who you are at 40 but you don't have to waste a lot of time figuring out what direction you're going in life. You know what you want to do, things are so much clearer than they were when you were in your twenties. It's just easier.

OK, most of the above is bullshit! Life is no easier when you turn 40 than when you turn 10. Actually if we were to debate the point I'd say that life is a hell of a lot easier at 10. Things just get so much more complicated as you age. The good news is that you're more capable of dealing with it as you get older. I guess that's what creates the illusion that it all gets easier.

By most measures I'm a fairly disciplined guy. I work out regularly, I try to stay as organized as I can, I eat right and I generally have a good attitude towards life. But unlike a lot of people I see the value and true potential of self-improvement. It's kind of like a game to me. Once I achieve something I try to take it to the next level. Exercise for example. I've been working out since I was 14 years old. I'm no bodybuilder and would never in a million years want a body like that but I do enjoy resistance training, running and swimming. I'm a fish! When my daughter was born something snapped inside me, figuratively speaking, and I started thinking, I'm going to be 50 when my daughter is 10 and 60 when she's 20 (I'm a math genius), will I have the energy to keep up with her? I almost immediately began a regiment of running, swimming and resistance training 6 days a week. I was never a big fan of running back then but I could easily do 5km. But then I took five and added another couple of kilometers, then another couple of kilometers, then another and now I'm running a minimum of 12km to a maximum of 18km three times a week. Same thing happened with my swimming and now I swim 7500 meters each week.

Currently I'm on the last few weeks of my Parental Leave from work. Greatest move I ever made in my life. If you have a job that allows you to take Parental Leave take it! You'll never regret spending the first 6 months of your child's life at her/his side. Since the beginning of my leave in March I've lost 17 pounds and now my goal is to keep it off! When you turn 40 years old it's almost literally the start of the second half of your life. In essence it's like starting your life all over again but with one hell of a running start. You have the intelligence and confidence to pull off some pretty amazing things in the second half of your life. That's the way I see it anyway. Or you can live it full of regrets with all those "oh, why didn't I do that when I was younger" moments.

I can honestly say that I live a life with no regrets. That's just me, I don't let things go unfinished or unresolved. I know what you're thinking, everyone has at least one regret. I believe it's possible to live a life with no regrets at all. And if you have any right now, go resolve them. I'm reminded of the Baz Luhrman song "Everybody's Free". There's a line in there that says "...Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t..." I firmly believe this! Don't stress it. As long as you're happy in the here and now who the hell cares what you do with your life. But for those who have a direction they wanna go then 40 is a great place to start it! Here are a few changes I'm making in my life when I turn 40, and I'm only mentioning them so it'll help me stick to them. There's nothing worse than telling someone your goals and then you fail to achieve them due to laziness! It's downright embarrassing!

The Goals for Doug's Life: Part II
("Part II" meaning the second half of my life... duh!)

- TV goes bye-bye. That's right, I'm turning off the TV for a year (DVD viewing excluded). I find that are are far too many reality TV shows causing global retardation. There are far too few intelligent and thought provoking programs out there. It's sad what passes for entertainment these days. I really don't care if Tila Tequila ever finds love.

- Hasta la vista Internet. This is only for a month. Starting October 1st (my birthday) I'm cutting out the Internet with the exception of reading and responding to e-mails. I think that the amount of time I spend on the Internet mindlessly surfing cyberspace is detrimental to my "creative time". I could be putting that time to much better use. I'm a cartoonist for Pete's sake! I should be drawing cartoons not tweeting my ass off day in day out!

- Sianara junk food! I've already done this but I will continue this into my 40s and hopefully beyond. The odd trip to Dairy Queen is cool but I used to binge on candy, chocolate, chips, you name it, I ate it! I finally got a hold of my cravings and now that I've seen the results of proper diet and exercise, I've totally lost interest in junk food.

- Getting the most out of my Vita-Mix. My wife and I recently purchased the Ferrari of blenders. This $600 monstrosity in all its 2 horse-powered glory will even blend the seeds of a strawberry into a fine powder. The blades turn so fast that if you leave it on for 5 minutes you'll have hot soup good to go. Anyhoo, the point here is that I'm putting it to good use by blending/drinking a ton-o-beggies and fruit. I think I drank at least a garden full of vegetables by now.

- Get confident, stupid! I'm one of those people who can do anything. Yeah, one of those guys you love to hate. On top of being an exercise fanatic, I'm quite the artist (if I do say so myself), I'm good at a lot of sports, highly skilled in many fields, I play the guitar and piano and although I'm no Susan Boyle people who have heard me sing tell me I'm quite good at it too. In fact I can recall several moments in my life when I was told that I should really pursue my singing. The problem I see is that in some ways I'm afraid of success. I know it sounds ridiculous. I'm confident as hell in other areas but I have a fear of singing in front of people. At least I do when I'm sober. I sometimes feel I should really get out there and record something and post it on the Internet. But I'd actually be afraid that someone would hear it and I'd end up famous or something to that effect. I don't want to be famous. In fact I have a fear of being famous. I've always said that I'd rather be famous by name than by face any time. I don't like to be the center of attention. I like a little attention now and then, yes, but I like to disappear into the shadows once in a while. I'm very comfortable in the background. But I guess where I'm going with this is that in order to live a life with no regrets I'm going to have to step up and use my gifts every way I possibly can. People aren't talented so they can entertain themselves. They're talented so that they might share their gifts and enlighten and inspire others to do the same. And I certainly don't want to be one of those people that when he's 89 says "I wish I had tried that when I was young. Now it's too late."

- Balance my two careers. Being a cartoonist does not pay the bills at my house. I have a full-time career that I don't speak about when I'm online. Don't ask why or what it is just roll with it. I'll inevitably tell the world one day, probably the day I leave that job, but for now it's a secret. I love that job. I love everything about it. Everyday is different! I put as much effort into it as I do my art. But I need to focus on what direction I'm going and what do I want my future on that job to hold for me?

Well, I feel better prepared for my 40th birthday now that I got all that off my chest. Looking back on 40 years of life is fascinating to say the least. I've done so much in such a relatively short span of time. But I truly feel the best days of my life are ahead of me. I get goosebumps thinking of the possibilities that lay before me!

Bring it on!

The Gods Are Coming... Look Busy!!

When I was a little kid of 12 years old I had a fascination with ancient Egypt. As a member of the National Geographic Society my father would receive a crisp, clean copy of their magazine each month. For me it was like getting the Sears Christmas catalog. I'd grab the magazine before my father could read it and run up to my bedroom where I knew I wouldn't be bothered by anyone. There I'd carefully remove it from its brown paper slipcover. As I flipped through the pages with eager curiosity I was transported to the age of the Pharaohs. Of course it helped a lot more when it was an issue about ancient Egypt!

Anyhoo, even at 12 years old I knew a new century and a new millennium was coming so I calculated how old I would be when the occasion was upon us (30) and I promised myself that I would ring in the new century/millennium in Egypt. 18 years later I did it! I won’t go into the spectacular details about the trip but I will tell you that while I was standing in the burial chamber at the center of the Great Pyramid of Khufu (Keops) I came up with a way that I could combine my love of drawing cartoons and my staunch interest in all things ancient Egyptian into one project! It was inside that king's dusty tomb that I came up with the idea for my comic strip “Anubis Rising”. I couldn’t wait to get home so I could start!

I began working feverishly developing characters for my new comics strip. I started, of course, with Anubis who is the God of the Dead (also known as the God of Mummification). Then came Horus. I knew a lot about Horus from books I had read as I child and from lectures while on my tour of Egypt. Originally I was going to leave it at 2 for the main characters but they are, in fact, the three sides of my personality. I needed one more for that reason but also in case the main characters were busy doing something that would call for a "B" story or additional storyline not necessarily related to the main plot. I wanted a cow-headed god (not because I'm a cow!!) and I only knew of one called Hathor and he was a she. I needed a male because the female characters I had needed to be human. Luckily I dug a bit and found a male god with the head of a bull. His name was Apis. I got my trio and now I could move onto some backstory and joke writing!

In Egyptian Mythology Anubis (ah-new-biss) was the benevolent god of mummification. He guided the spirit with a caring hand into the next life. He is often seen in hieroglyphs preparing a mummy. In my comic strip Anubis owns a quaint little shop called "Anubis' Mummification and Sandal Repair". He's also quite a brilliant scientist and inventor having devised such creations as his famous deep-mummifrier, proven very useful in preparing a mummy is under 3 minutes. It also makes amazing French fries.

Anubis is widely respected and loved by all Egyptians and is sought out for his wisdom and advice. He's very friendly and highly intelligent and, obliviously to him, is the love interest of the Pharaoh's daughter, Princess Reyna.

Horus (Hor-us) is the son of the god Osiris and the goddess Isis. In Egyptian Mythology: To avenge his father's death, Horus fought a great battle against his Uncle Seth and lost his left eye. In my comic strip: Horus’ eye has since been replaced by an ill-fitted glass eye, which often pops out when he coughs or sneezes. He is the surly best friend of Anubis. He's over a thousand years old and still living at home with his mom. Horus is currently unemployed and collecting unemployment insurance. It rains in the Sahara more often than Horus cracks a smile.

Apis (A-pis, like "ape") is the sacred bull of Memphis... Egypt not Tennessee! He's a chubby child at heart and as dim as a 10 watt light bulb. Apis suffers from a weakness for snack treats or food of any kind really. He is the tubby friend of Anubis and Horus and despite his dimwittedness he makes a decent living selling souvenir idols of himself to tourists.

There are many other characters tI could talk about however, I think it best you discover them yourself by reading my strip. It's the only comic out there 5,000 years in the making so it's worth at least a peek!

Anubis Rising has made it's way around to many of the major syndicates across the US as I attempted to get it into print. Unfortunately he wasn't what any of them were looking for at the time. As many cartoonists will tell you it's a bit discouraging getting rejected by anyone let alone everyone! However, once in a while you come across someone who will actually take the time to write you back with some much needed corrective criticism. How else is a cartoonist suppose to know what the hell a syndicate is looking for?! It's just that they get so damn many submissions and the cost of launching a new strip is huge!! Thank God for the Internet! Now everyone's got their cartoon strip published!! Yes, I'm being sarcastic.

Anyway, I was beginning to think that I should put Anubis and Company away for a little while and start with a fresh new idea. I did just that with my family strip "Acorn Place". It too was rejected by everybody but all the time I was drawing it I was thinking I should really give Anubis another go. I had a wonderful, and rare, hand-written letter from a gal at one of the syndicates who urged me to continue with Anubis. She told me they thought it was "...a cut above the rest." Like the other syndicates it wasn't what they were looking for at the moment either but she finished by telling me with a little "polishing" I could have a very successful strip on my hands.

Anubis has been collecting dust on the shelf for several years while I honed my skills as a new daddy and got more into my new career (which I don't talk about so don't ask). But I think it's worth another shot now that he, as a strip, and I, as a person, are all grown up. I'm very much looking forward to working with him again. He's like an old friend I haven't seen in a long time. We gotta lotta catching up to do!

So it's with great pleasure that I announce Anubis Rising will be launched anew from my website, SmartZombie.com on Sunday the 16th of August, 2009. I'm not planning on sending him off to the syndicates anymore but with the long fingers the Internet has, it might just be possible to nab the attention of the right set of eyes. Who knows what can happen with lots of patience and a l'il luck!!

A Letter To Myself In 1988

Dear Me:

Hey dude. It's me... you... but twenty-one years older and much wiser. You're probably in a state of shock reading a letter from yourself written twenty-one years in the future but calm down, take a breath, it's all OK. You're doing a good job. It's 2009 and I'm still alive so all those McDonalds lunch dates with your buddies didn't amount to much more than a full stomach and lots of farting... which is probably funny in your time... actually it's still funny in my time!

I thought I'd write you this letter in order to give you tips and a few "heads up" to help you get through the next two decades unscathed by what lies ahead. You must be freaking out right about now over the possibility of having to go to summer school. All I can say to that is enjoy your summer off, dude you're gonna graduate... barely. At any rate over the next twenty-one years you're going to go through a lot of ups and downs. I hope this letter gives you some serious insight that will navigate you through some of the harder times.

As you read this letter you probably have your application to university close by. Well, enjoy the next six months off cuz brother, you aren't gonna make it into college just yet. Even though your marks are only .2 percent under the required entrance grade they're going to blame it on policy and not let you in until the winter semester of 1989. That's cool though cuz most of your friends won't get in until then either... some of them never. But when you do finally get in for God’s sake lay off the wise cracks. You may have been the class clown in high school but that kinda behavior is a little inappropriate in university and by inappropriate I mean you're going to fail every class in your first year, numbskull! Just remember, you're paying them!! Professors aren't like teachers. They don't care if you skip class or not.

I know you're working part-time at the drug store. In 1990 you're going come across a job offer that sounds too good to be true. Well, I'm here to tell you it is!! You'll quit your job at the drugstore leaving a lot of friends behind to end up in a job that will only last a couple of months, after that you'll be laid off because they won't have enough work to keep you. You're gonna crawl back to the drugstore and your old boss with your hat in your hand and have to eat some serious crow only to be told, "You don't know a good thing until its gone". They won't take you back and that's going to suck donkey balls! But it's all good cuz you'll land on your feet with a job at a posh mall in a clothing store and your boss and co-workers will be hot. On top of all that you'll be the only guy working there!! It'll be one of the best jobs you'll ever have and selling blue jeans to chicks will be right up your alley! Just don't date the frig'n customers!!

You're going to have a few conflicts when it comes to relationships with women. You'll be in an on-again/off-again sexual relationship with one close friend. Despite your thoughts at that time that your friendship is strong enough to withstand anything, it's not. Sex is going to ruin it and you're going to lose a very good friend... you schmuck! But don’t despair, she'll find you on Facebook and chat you up now and then. Oh yeah, you have no clue what Facebook is yet. Go buy a trademark on the name now!! Trust me!

Have faith in your friends when they tell you that you're a good-looking guy and can have any woman you want. You're going to laugh it off as a joke. You're such a dingus when it comes to sensing when a woman thinks you're good looking. Women are going to come on to you and it's gonna go right over your frig'n head! You're going to miss out on sooooo many opportunities with girls cuz you'll be too busy being a big brother to them instead of a Casanova. Yes, you can be too nice!! Take it down a notch and pay attention!!

Graduation from university will come... eventually. I say “eventually” because when it comes to deciding on a major you're going to change your mind more than you'll change your underwear. But don't sweat it. You'll find your niche in Media Studies and take pride dude cuz you're going to be the only one in your family to earn a degree and it's going to throw you into a turbulent career in the Film and TV business where you'll work with some of the biggest names in Hollywood. By the way, if a guy named Samuel L. Jackson tells you he thinks your girlfriend has great tits, don't be an ass, take it as a compliment!!

In 1995 you’re gonna find yourself leaving the Canadian Midwest with your Bachelor's Degree in hand and you’ll head for Toronto. Yes, I know it's a huge city where you don't know anyone and you're scared but have faith in yourself. When you get there you're going to learn that you have some pretty amazing survival skills. Not only will you find a place to live but you're going to land a job on your first day there on a Hollywood feature flop... I mean film. While working on the film you're going to get to know that chick from Beetlejuice, Gena Davis, you’ll make her laugh. You'll get drunk with her at a party and even get a huge kiss on the lips before the night's over. But that's as far as it goes. Hear me? THAT'S AS FAR AS IT GOES!! It'll seem like she's coming on to you but remember, you suck at knowing when women are coming on to you.

In 1996 you're going have your first real true love relationship with a beautiful lingerie model. She will say she's in love with you too but she'll soon treat you like something she dug out of her ear. But you'll put up with the uni-lateral affection and you'll follow her around for nearly two years like a lost puppy. You'll break up a couple years later and brother it's gonna be the most pain you've experienced in your life, worse than the time you stepped on the nail back in the 1975. You'll feel like you can't go on, like it's never happened to anyone the way it's gonna happen to you but somewhere, somehow you find the strength to go on. A year later you'll end up dating this hot Italian bird who, after you blow the equivalent of two months pay on her, will lean into what you think is a kiss and she'll whisper "I just want to be friends". Tell her "I have all the friends I need thanks" and walk away. Man, that's what I should've said! Tattoo those words to your forehead! Don't let me down!

You're going to work in the Film and TV biz for about 12 years. You'll work along side people like Dan Ackroyd, Will Ferrell, Molly Shannon, Jeff Daniels, John Goodman, etc. You're going to draw storyboards for Joe Montegna's directorial debut and also John Stockwell (the dude who played Cougar in "Top Gun" - you just saw the movie three years ago in the theaters). You're going to appear briefly on Entertainment Tonight with Aretha Franklin and when Margot Kidder thanks you for fixing her laptop in her hotel room don't say "Anything for Lois Lane" cuz that's gay and oddly enough, she won't know what the hell you're talking about and there'll be like a full minute of awkward silence!!

In 1996 you're going to discover something called the Internet. Shortly after that you'll discover something call online porn. Don't get carried away with that and if you do lock the frig'n door!!

Remember that trip you planned to take to Egypt to bring in the new Century/Millennium? You know, the one you promised yourself when you were twelve years old you would take. Well, you’ll take it! It will be a life-altering experience and you’ll grow in wisdom so much during that time. Plus you’ll have a layover in Amsterdam and there’ll be this beautiful prostitute in the Red Light District who will… well… you’ll find out.

I know that in 1988 you're dreaming a lot about that mansion in Beverly Hills, the Lamborghini, the millions of dollars and marrying Phoebe Cates, who, in my time, has been unemployed since 2001, is no longer looking so hot and is married to Otto from "A Fish Called Wanda." Well, despite your good intentions you'll have to be satisfied eating Kraft Dinner over the sink for a while yet. The cartoon strips you sent around to the publishers will get you so many rejection letters you'll be able to wallpaper a small bathroom. But don't give up! Rather than the generic "To Whom It May Concern..." rejection letters you'll get a lovely handwritten one from one of the syndicates telling you that you have what it takes for a successful strip but keep working to fine tune it.

In September 2001, twelve weeks after you stood atop the World Trade Center in New York, terrorists are going to fly two commercial airliners into the two towers. They’ll fall and thousands of people will lose their lives. This is gonna piss you off but there’s nothing you can do. Just be happy that you got to see the view of New York from up top of the towers.

In 2002 you're going to meet a woman who will be your complete opposite and yet absolutely blow you away! You'll go home after the first date and tell your roommates that you just met the woman you're going to marry. And you will on the island of St. Lucia in 2004. She is your soul mate and it’s all good timing too cuz you’re gonna get soooooo sick of dating! Oh yeah, make sure when you pop the question you wait till you have her attention so you don’t have to ask it twice and ruin the intensity of the moment. Don’t worry about that anyway. It’s gonna happen on another trip to New York City. You’ll take her out for dinner then up to the top of the Empire State Building. You dog!!!

It's now 2003 and your full-time connection with the film and TV biz is winding down. This is where you’ll begin to break free from what is known as an inescapable industry. You'll quit your job on one of the last shows you'll ever work on because the executive producer who is still working on a dumb show called "Alias" keeps calling you from LA at 1:30 in the morning to go into the studio to rewrite the scenes you're shooting that day! You'll reach a near breaking point but again, have faith in your friends cuz they're gonna help you get through. A producer friend will ask you to stay and you will because you'll come to have great respect for that friend and he for you. He'll be a great inspiration in your life, a man who will see you for the good guy you are.

Well, I should wrap this up as I’ve probably already doomed all mankind by changing future history by creating about a million new tangents in the timeline. The universe should implode in on itself any second now. But I will end by saying that despite the hardships you’re about to face and the despair you’re going to go through there will come a single moment in March of 2009 when a tiny baby girl is going to grab your little finger and change you forever. You’re going to find that you can endure anything; you’re going to work harder than you ever have in your life to achieve your dreams and you will never give up. And you’re going to do it all for her.

Good luck!

You


Ps. They have a term that young people use in my time. The word is "sick". When not used in its literal sense it’s spoken to describe things that are profoundly awesome! DON'T BE A PART OF THIS!! It’s just retarded!