Postcards from the Gym

Dear so and so, having a great time at the gym. Wish you were here. Love Doug.

I love working out. I've been an avid fan of exercise since I was 15 and not to toot my own horn but I'm pushing 40 and I'm feeling great and looking pretty good. But I don't just go to the gym to maintain my good health, I go for the entertainment value!

Now, for as long as I remember I've always loved to watch people. I love shopping malls, concerts, airports, etc. just for this reason. So many people, so many lives, so many funny little quirks that people have and the gym is a goldmine!!

I'm currently a member at Premier Fitness. It wasn't my first choice of gyms but I got one heck of a discount thanks to my job so I really couldn't pass it up. My gym is OK as long as I don't have to talk to the staff there. It's hard to get past the fact that in my nearly one year as a member I've never been greeted with a "good morning" or a "hello" or even a smile. In fact I've never been greeted at all. They take my membership card at the front desk, swipe it through the reader and give it back in one fluid motion, very automated. In fact I've had better greetings from vending machines.

So now I'm in the gym. I warm up with a 15 minute of run on the treadmill. I turn on my iPod, pick my "Gym Faves" folder, pop in my ear buds and I'm good to go. I shut off the conscious side that is me and turn into the Terminator, I'm scanning the gym floor looking for victims of my secret gaze. The first one we come to is one of my faves, the "Look at me, love me, lifter". These are the guys that can't do a repetition without grunting and groaning like they're giving birth to a basketball. On top of that after the last rep they let gravity take over, sending the weights to the floor like a meteor that got through the atmosphere! I just wanna slap 'em on the shoulder (while they're too tired to take a swing at me) and say "If you have to grunt and slam down the weights you're lifting too much weight, dingus!!!" But I'm more reserved than that. What once annoyed me now makes me laugh.

I scan some more and comes across our next contestant, the hot female personal trainer. Now, I'll tell you in all honesty when all the guys are looking at her, I'm looking at all the guys LOOKING AT HER. No really, it's true and if you've seen my wife you'll know why I don't need to stare at other women. I'm married to an ultra-hotty!! But I digress. I was watching this delicate ballet centered around this one female trainer today. She's 5'4, long salon-styled light brown hair, boobs bigger than my head and her pose... well, I'm sure you've seen it before, both elbows pointing directly behind her, hands placed strategically on her lower back just above the pelvis and chest out, stomach in like she's facing a most intimidating drill sergeant. At that moment time stops! All the males in the room seem to conveniently end their sets at the same time and turn their heads to what might very well be the center of their whole universe. I watched one guy nearly drop weight on his buddy's head cuz his eyes were affixed on this voluptuous vixen when he should have been spotting his friend. God I love the gym!! This is why I'd never buy a home gym, I need to be around people!

I have to say that it takes me back to see all these young guys who spend a small fortune on work out gear, the gloves, the back supporting belts, the skull caps, etc. I was one of these guys back in my early twenties. My main objective at that time for going to the gym was not only to revel at the prospect of picking up girls but I was gonna get huge!! I was going to be the next Arnold Schwarzenegger and maybe even end up in show business (which oddly enough I did for 12 years). I worked out, worked out and worked out some more, went to the gym 6 days a week religiously, lifting weight like a madman but as great as I felt, I wasn't getting any bigger. I looked like a pencil with an HB lead next to Arnold. But as I got older and the more I researched I came to realize that unless you have good genetics you're only gonna get so big without resorting to the drugs. I tried every supplement and powder in the known universe and even a few from an alternate universe (a story for another time) but I just couldn't get any bigger. In fact, if truth be known the best gains I experienced was when I was simply just ate right. It made me very weary of all these programs, pills and people that saturate the TV and Internet with promises of a new, bigger, better body. I particularly love the one with the ruggedly handsome bodybuilding doctor who says something to the effect of "as a new doctor I not only use it, I recommend it". I saw the same frig'n guy in a Hyundai commercial!! He might not be a real doctor but maybe he could develop a pill to make him a better actor.

Anyhoo, I think it's important to note that results of taking reputable supplements will differ from individual to individual. What works for some will not necessarily work for everyone. But do you research!! Your health is too important not to!! And the next time you're at the gym and the testosterone and machoism is getting under your skin, look at for what it is, pure entertainment.